I've been pondering a few things lately as you’ll notice
from the title of today’s post. We’ll see where the pondering takes us…
How do you end up in the sandwich? Is parenting a
contributing factor, finances, health or just plain circumstances? I’m going to
chalk it up to circumstances, keeping in mind that where you are today is the
sum of all the decisions you made over the course of your life combined with
some coincidences or, as I prefer to think of them, God-incidences, that
directed those decisions, and maybe, just maybe, some decisions your parents
made on your behalf. OK, parenting has just become the subject.
I must admit that I approached parenting with serious fear
and trepidation. I must also admit that I was the softy thus forcing my wife
into the role of chief disciplinarian, an unfair position that she never
particularly relished, but one that I felt she was much better at than me. It’s
always been a regret of mine that I didn’t learn enough and talk with her
enough about our parenting style to ensure we were consistent and of one accord
during those years; mea culpa and deepest apologies Sweetie.
Anyway, life goes on. And that leads me to the conclusion that
parenting can be a factor in later participation in the sandwich generation.
There are some really important things about parenting that differentiate
between becoming a teacher, mentor, coach, and friend to your children, and
becoming an enabler in the negative sense.
What is it the Bible says? From NIV Proverbs 22:6,” Start
children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will
not turn from it. And from Clarke’s Commentary on the Bible:
“Train up a child in the way he should
go - The Hebrew of this clause is curious: חנך לנער על פי דרכו chanoch
lannaar al pi darco, "Initiate the child at the opening (the mouth) of his
path." When he comes to the opening of the way of life, being able to walk
alone, and to choose; stop at this entrance, and begin a series of
instructions, how he is to conduct himself in every step he takes. Show him the
duties, the dangers, and the blessings of the path; give him directions how to
perform the duties, how to escape the dangers, and how to secure the blessings,
which all lie before him. Fix these on his mind by daily inculcation, till
their impression is become indelible; then lead him to practice by slow and
almost imperceptible degrees, till each indelible impression becomes a strongly
radicated habit. Beg incessantly the blessing of God on all this teaching and
discipline; and then you have obeyed the injunction of the wisest of men. Nor
is there any likelihood that such impressions shall ever be effaced, or that
such habits shall ever be destroyed.”
I think those words apply to everyday teaching as well as
religious teaching and include things like responsibility and accountability.
Our children are both strong Christians and study the Bible and its context. They
have good hearts and pray hard and often. They spend time discerning God’s plan
for themselves and their families, and their spouses do the same. They have
firm convictions about money, financial responsibility and social
responsibility, and hold themselves accountable for their decisions and actions.
So maybe we did OK, maybe we swerved into the right stuff,
but we did study a lot of references about infant care and raising
strong-willed children, the classic Dr. Benjamin Spock guides to parenting and
health and Dr. James Dobson on strong-willed kids. What we could have done
better is to be more intentional in these times of our children’s lives, maybe
have a better plan for the process rather than just swerving into it. Our
daughter has been very studious in her role as a parent and her husband very supportive
of her learning and application to their family. She’s been very intentional
about parenting and has earned our deepest respect for her approach and
mothering style. It really seems to be working. She could teach this stuff!
We wish Dave Ramsey and his books Financial Peace and
The Total Money Makeover had found their way into our household a little
earlier than just the past few years because we would have used them to talk
about the financial side of growing up and growing financially responsible
starting at the pre-teen point in our kids’ lives. Their financial lives have
been no cake-walk but neither has ours. Hmmm … I think we just shifted to
finances in this discussion of factors contributing to life in the sandwich.
Just to be clear, we have a definite position on finances
and the sandwich:
Philosophically, we like
multi-generational living, but we firmly believe in financially independent
family units, whether we live apart or together. We don’t want to encourage inter-generational financial obligations, but we’re prepared to provide a
financial assist when a family member needs it. We've done it for both of our
kids and their families, and our parents have done it for us. We expect all
family members to take responsibility and accept accountability for their lives
and their choices. In particular, we
never want to be a burden on our children or our parents, financially or
otherwise, but as a family we’ll give and accept support whenever the need
exists.
Our kids understand the financial realities of life, the
need to work, and the responsibility to take care of their families. For one of
our kids career decisions, circumstances and personal health issues have
interfered in carrying out those responsibilities, the sum of which has
resulted in multi-generational living in our household, and left my wife and me
in the sandwich.
So, one kid is living apart from us with a family of her
own. The other kid and his family are living with us. Some people would
consider us to be enablers and suggest we should have just kicked the kids out
of the house at age 18 or 22 and told them never come back. I would agree if
this living arrangement was permitting our kids to shirk their
responsibilities, but I don’t think it is. They’re working hard to become
independent, to get their careers on track, and to support themselves. They’re
making progress, and they've never backed off from that commitment, nor from
their commitment to pay back the loans we've made, which by the way are
documented and incur interest, thank you Mr. Ramsey.
I think that rather than enabling, we’re giving out of
abundance and caring for our family the way we should, both biblically and
socially. I know; I probably just painted a big target on my back so go ahead,
fire away with your comments. After all is said and done, everything I talked
about contributed to our arrival here; this Tuesday, in the sandwich …
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