Sitting here at McD’s nibbling my Egg McMuffin® and sipping
my diet soda while Ernesto and the Tuesday crew work hard behind the counter I
began thinking back over the last four years and started to appreciate how easy
life in the sandwich has been compared to other caregivers like my Dad and our
family friend Mr. D who each cared for their spouses 24 hours a day. Assisted
living, nursing home, and hospice care can be expensive propositions and most
people don’t like the idea of living in Medicaid-induced poverty, assuming they
can qualify for assistance at all. So these two men, retired and aging
themselves, cared for their spouses at home during their last days.
Ms. D suffered from dementia and the related failure of
bodily functions that made her care particularly difficult and the commitment
to provide such care something that comes only from unconditional love through
50+ years of marriage. My wife and I have been fortunate not to be the 24 hour
caregivers that he needed to be. I stand in awe of Mr. D’s work in seeing his
wife through to her passing, and I’m grateful for all of the information he
shared with me about what to expect with my Father-in-law as his dementia
progressed. What he shared helped us immensely in understanding what my
Mother-in-law was experiencing in caring for Dad. The best thing he shared with
us is a book called A Dignified Life:
The Best Friends Approach to Alzheimer’s Care, A Guide for Family Caregivers;
I heartily recommend this book to anyone caring for a dementia sufferer.
My Mom suffered from the loss of heart and lung function, a
gradual decline that left her mind and will generally unaffected but in some
ways made her care more difficult for my Dad. Her decline was more generalized
and affected her mobility but left her capable in many areas. What she needed
most was continuous communication and to see activity continuing around her.
She could be very demanding and impatient because she couldn’t do the things
she normally did around the house, and expected Dad to pick up all of the slack
under her direction. Dad is a quiet and gentle guy who would do anything for anyone;
it was a challenge to meet her expectations while being subject to her scrutiny
regarding his own health. In my Dad’s situation I was able to take a little
time from my job one day each week to go back home (about an hour away) and
spell him while he took a little time for himself. Dad also gave of himself
unconditionally although I’m not sure Mom really appreciated the sacrifice, but
I saw; I knew. And I stand in awe of him as well.
It has been a challenge for me and my wife to help in the
care of her parents over the last four years while living in the sandwich as we
also helped our son and his wife through some difficult times for them. But as
I look back I begin to see how much greater the sacrifice could be than the one
we’ve made, and I think that more than anything this look back leaves me
grateful for the chance to help our family to the extent I have these last few
years.
I’ve been fortunate to have the kind of work that leaves my
schedule up to me, and keeps me available to help my family. My wife and I have
paid a financial price for it, but when I trade that cost for my presence when
I was needed, it’s a small price to pay. I have no regrets. What I have is faith
that we’ll be taken care of when we really need the support. What’s the saying? “Pay it forward!”
Faith, it’s what I live on day to day as I share with you our
life in the sandwich …
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