21040324 - A Busy Month, a Brief Sabbatical

You know that feeling when sometimes life and work just get away from you? I think it’s been that kind of a month for me. Redecorating a bathroom, publishing a white paper, plotting marketing strategy, shuffling blogs between web hosts…it seems like all have conspired to keep me from my commitment to writing at least one post each week on Tuesdays. And I miss it, the regular writing that is. I’ll see if I can get that straightened out in the not-too-distant future.

I’m reminded that writing is not only something I love to do, but indeed work, and I’m trying to keep four blogs going on a fairly regular basis; i.e., a lot of work. But it’s really a matter of balancing commitments and priorities between work and home life. There aren’t any easy answers to that challenge. But a lack of balance leads to a lot of distraction and then nothing good happens at work or at home.

Does that happen to you? I suspect most people deal with a lack of balance and motivation from time to time. I found that active participation in the sandwich generation before our recent shift to empty-nesting often brought on the feeling of things getting away from me and the subsequent lack of motivation and need for recharge time.

One of my favorite bloggers, Becky at Interstellar Orchard, recently posted about self renewal and her need for alone time to recharge. Cherie at Technomadia also mentioned the need she and Chris have for quiet and distance to recharge. I find I’m much the same in that I need that quiet separation to renew and recharge. Without that time my writing becomes labored and lacking in interesting or compelling messages. Enthusiasm wanes and it becomes hard to write anything at all. That’s the time to step back from the keyboard, turn the computer off for awhile and let the mind wander to places it hasn’t visited for a time.

I’ll be doing a little more of that over the next three weeks or so. At the same time D and I are tackling a new project which will remain rather hush-hush for now. Don’t worry; we’ll let you know how it works out when the time is right.

Meanwhile, fear not. The writing fire is not dead; I’ve banked it as the pioneers used to do, to keep the coals ready while I rest. Fresh thoughts will stoke the fire and purposeful pondering will return to these pages soon, so keep checking in.

Recharging and refocusing…Pops

20140305 – A Choir Devotion

Where and when do you hear God’s voice? When I was thinking about prayer time I thought, why not look at one of the many daily devotionals we have around the house. Going to Guideposts Daily Devotional for 1998, I checked out the entry for March 5 and this is what I found:

“There are days when I open my Bible to read and fall into the middle of a desert. This morning I was standing outside the walls of Jerusalem with the fiery prophet Jeremiah, lambasting the callous high priest. The biblical scene, set in an ancient world six hundred years before the birth of Christ, seemed foreign and irrelevant to my life and needs. I nearly stopped reading. I did not want to stroll through the arid dust of history.

“When I finished my Bible reading and began to write in my journal, I found these words flowing across the page: “Sometimes I read the Bible and there is nothing there. Only silence. Yet, even in that still silence I am strengthened; I am drawn to a holy presence. It’s like two good friends who sit quietly alone, content in each other’s company.”

“God is such a friend. He is often silent. He does not speak at my demand. But as I grow older, I find I need less of His voice and more of His presence. Just to know that he is with me is enough. Perhaps that’s why the ancient Psalmist wrote in his journal, “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).” – Scott Walker

I thought about the many times that I relish the silence and I listen for God in it. But then I began thinking about the contrarian point of view, about the times when I most often hear God’s voice through the noise, through the cacophony of voices and static and busyness of life. And I realized that it’s through the music.

David Mayer, a former director of ours, once wrote a poem about how he views music as being magnified prayer – the one over on the wall that is often forgotten in the rush to get ready to sing and to move on when we’re done. Maybe music is not only magnified prayer but it is also God’s voice, answering prayer. And I thought that the time and place that I often hear God’s voice is here, through all of you, my friends and choir family; through the music we make together.

The music we make stirs powerful emotions in me. It stirs the joy I feel when we sing Fill-a-me-up and see Lynette dancing and laughing in the aisle, and the tears of gratefulness that rise when we sing Benedictus. It stirs deep seated memories of long departed friends when we sing It Is Well with My Soul. And it strengthens me when we sing old favorites like Rock of Ages, and new ones like a recent Sunday’s hymn: Behold the Lamb.

For me music is prayer, and God’s answer, all rolled into one. It’s God’s voice, speaking to me through all of the noise of life. And I am eternally grateful that the music we make together is a central part of my life and my faith. Right here and right now, through the music, is when I most often hear God’s voice.

Will you pray with me?

Dear heavenly Father, we stand in awe of your power and your grace, of your ability to communicate with us in so many unique and wonderful ways. We are blessed that you speak to us through the music and that you let us share your gift of music and your message with others every time we sing. And we are thankful for the ways in which music lifts our spirits and calms our troubled souls. We pray that your power to inspire and to heal reaches those we’ve lifted up to you tonight. And we ask your continued blessing on us, those you’ve called to sing your message, your undeserving children, through your precious son Jesus Christ, Amen.

20140304 – To Simplify…

As I review the list of blogs I read these days I find more and more of them have to do with full time RV living and thus with simplifying lives and lifestyles. Hmm…perhaps mentally I’m more retired than my work life would suggest!

Anyway, from one who chooses to live in a Volkswagen Vanagon full time, to those who live in a 17 foot travel trailer towed by a pickup truck, to those who live in a forty foot class A diesel pusher towing a car, to the few who have a sticks and bricks house and travel a lot for extended periods, the common theme seems to be living simple and uncluttered lives. Those that are successful accomplish exactly what they want, go where and see what they want, and even manage to earn a living in some cases, or live out their retirement dreams in others.

It prompts me to think about what would happen to a business if you applied the same effort to simplify things. First I think you would need to apply the idea of simplifying a business slightly differently than you would the idea of simplifying your lifestyle. Why? Well, some businesses are, by their very nature or purpose, extremely complex. Others could be relatively uncomplicated to begin with.

In reality though there are a lot of similarities between simplifying your life and simplifying your business. Both would involve a laser sharp focus on what it is you’re trying to accomplish. Both would involve getting rid of clutter. Both would involve streamlining processes and doing only the right things right. And for home-based businesses and sole proprietorships the line between home life and business life becomes pretty indistinct.

So simplifying a business might be thought of in the context of refining and zeroing in on the purpose of the business, streamlining the business activities to focus only on fulfilling that purpose, and de-cluttering the business of unnecessary, inefficient and duplicative processes. The desired result of all of this simplifying activity would be a high performance business that is fulfilling its declared purpose.

Where would one start the process of simplifying a business for better performance? Well, rather than risk boring all of my Tuesdays with Terry readers I think that question and this topic in general would better be explored at length on my business blog Better Business Basics. We’ll pick up the story over there.

Just for this week - shifting gears to business…Pops

20140225-2 - Thinking About Health, Life and Responsibility

As I was writing my last post my observations about powers of attorney and estate documents triggered some thoughts about responsibility that I think everyone’s children and grandchildren should consider as they come of age.

Life is a blessing. When we become adults, if we get to become adults, we become responsible for how we live our lives and what we do to and with ourselves. Sometimes circumstances take away our ability to remain responsible for our lives. Ultimately all corporeal life has an end. We all will face it, we just don’t know when.

Planning for the end of life as we know it is something most of us put off way too long. But planning for that eventuality is part of becoming a responsible adult. Responsible adults plan for situations when they lose the ability to remain responsible for their lives. Responsible adults plan for that certain time when they will no longer be responsible for their stuff, for everything they will leave behind.

Responsible adults think about what they would want done and whom they would want to assume responsibility for them when they can no longer do and decide things for themselves. And responsible adults decide in advance what they want done with everything they will leave behind.

The day you come of age is not too soon to think about these things. Age 22 is not too soon to think about advanced medical directives and durable powers of attorney for health care if something should happen to you. Age 22 is not too soon to think about whom should assume responsibility for your stuff when you’re no longer here.

I waited until I was 37 to prepare my first will. I waited until I was 62 to prepare my first advanced medical directive and healthcare power of attorney. I've been lucky to live a long and good life. People like Sarah Burke, extreme skier, age 29, and Sarah Jones, dolly grip and second AC, age 27, were not.

Do not take the chance of saddling your parents or your children or a stranger with making healthcare and estate distribution decisions without the benefit of your thoughts and desires. Your loss will be more than painful enough for them to bear.

Taking responsibility is much more than making career decisions and raising families and behaving in acceptable and non-harmful ways. Taking responsibility is planning for that time when you can’t take responsibility anymore; that time when you must entrust the responsibility for you to a responsible person you can trust. Prepare, and choose wisely; but do not wait. Face your life and your mortality early, thoughtfully, and bravely; and free yourself to live your life fully and confidently.

Love…Dad, Pops, Grandpa and Pop-pop

20140225 - Organizing the Important Stuff!

One thing about life in the sandwich and multigenerational living that always challenges me – keeping the important stuff organized. Intuitively I am an organizer, a strategic planner. Practically, I’m a semi organized slob. It doesn’t work for me, but it’s what I am. I need to fix it. I’m working on it. I think I’m getting better at it. But this is another case of please do as I say, not as I do!

On the way to work this morning D and I were talking about Mom’s important papers and whether or not D needed to organize them better. Understand that D has her Mom’s stuff all arranged in file folders stored in a neatly organized file box, with overflow organized in a storage ottoman which is easily accessible right in the space she uses for her home office. It all seems quite nicely organized to me, and certainly way better than I usually do.

Still, she was pondering out loud about the need to maybe have a binder for insurance policies and other important papers – even more organization! She speculated that she used to be very organized in her younger days and that perhaps having kids and a lousy influence for a husband (wink, grin) might have caused her to slack off over the years. I suggested that maybe with maturity comes a slight relaxing of what is dangerously close to obsessive behavior, and maybe even a more acceptably casual approach to life. For a moment I thought I had her convinced, but then I did as I so often do and put my foot in my mouth by suggesting maybe a binder with some sheet protectors would make sense; I just never learn when to quit…

Seriously though, keeping everyone’s stuff organized is very important in a multigenerational situation like ours. Working through medical and legal details with Mom just highlighted the importance of managing all of her paperwork as effectively as possible, and taught us a lesson about managing our own.

Since I’m chewing on shoe leather anyway, here are the minimums I would suggest keeping in a binder close at hand:

• Copies of current medical, life, home and auto insurance policies
• Copies of estate planning documents including wills and trusts
• Copies of other legal documents including general and health care powers of attorney involving you
• Copies of documents appointing others as trustees or executors of your estate
• Copies of documents appointing you as trustee or executor of others’ estates
• Copies of all property and automobile titles
• Copies of all mortgages, loan documents, signature lines and notes payable of any type
• A list of all retirement accounts and contact information for the custodian of each
• A list of all investment accounts and contact information for the custodian of each
• A list of all bank accounts and contact information for the custodian of each
• A list of all credit card and loan accounts and relevant contact information
• Copies of your last three years of income tax returns

Note: All the financial documents may be voluminous and could be kept in a second binder.

Originals of all these documents should be kept in a safe deposit box or other secure location away from your residence.

I would also create and save a digital copy of each of these documents in portable document format (PDF) to a thumb drive or SD card which can be carried with you whenever you will not have access to your binder(s). If you have access to secure cloud storage (Dropbox or Google Drive or MS Skydrive, etc.) it might be helpful to keep copies out there as well. That way no matter where you are, if you have access to your smartphone or a computer and the internet you can get at those essential documents. With email and/or digital faxing capability (I have both) you can send a copy of any document to anyone (think accountant, attorney, doctor) who needs it.

In our household this would involve two complete sets of documents; ours and Mom’s. I know this is easier said than done, but having access to these documents no matter where you are and when you need them makes life way easier for you and those who depend on you.

Turns out the binder idea, supplemented with a little application of technology might be a pretty good idea. It actually ends up being a great starting place for organizing paperwork in your home. With the addition of a good tracking and bill paying system and a workable budgeting process you’ll have that blizzard of paper pretty well shoveled away. Simplify this area of your life and you should feel way less stressed and a little more in control.

Hmm, maybe this batch of shoe leather was worth chewing after all, thanks D…Pops

20140218-2 – Snow Plows, Love ‘Em or Hate ‘Em

After 59 Michigan Winters (I lived five years out of state) I’ve developed a love-hate relationship with the county snow plow. Dog lovers (me included) know what it’s like; you love them as companions and friends and hate them when you’re cleaning up the yard after they do their duty.

I love it when the plow comes by and keeps my road clean, especially when I enjoy another one of those 100 inch winters (yes, yesterday’s blizzard put us Grand Rapidians into triple digits for this season). I hate it when I have to go remove the leftovers from the foot of my driveway. In honor of yet another post plowing driveway clearing occasion I propose an addition to the lexicon of us folk living in the land of winter snows; wait for it…plow-poop.

Plow-poop:  noun, 1. the lumpy brown and white mass of snow, sand, salt and ice chunks deposited at the foot of a driveway during the clearing of public streets by government vehicles. 2. The pile of aforementioned material left in the center of a cul-de-sac during a single pass of a snow plow. 3. The triangular mass of the aforementioned material left in a “T” intersection during a single pass of a snow plow. 4. The pile of sand and salt left in the middle of the street by a plow as it pauses during its plowing activities and fails to also pause the dispenser.

Yes folks, just think of your snow shovel, snow blower, or snow thrower as an oversized pooper-scooper! I’m just glad I don’t have to collect all of that stuff in a bag and throw it in my trash, particularly since most of my front yard is covered with up to five feet of the stuff. Considering we’ve only hit the freezing mark for a high about ten times in the last seventy five days, I may have to live with some serious plow-poop for awhile. At least, for now, it’s not in my driveway. Oh, and it doesn't smell!

I think it’s time to talk to the Merriam-Webster people about updating their dictionary…Pops

20140218 – Inspiration and the “Games”

I’ve been playing hooky from blogging lately to concentrate on work and housekeeping and Olympics watching. I found it interesting that about the time the Olympics began the page view count on my blog spiked and the sources of increased page views were Russia and Ukraine…very peculiar. I have pretty major security in use and my computer doesn’t seem to be hacked, so I think I’m OK. Although Blogger counts them, Google Analytics ignores those page views in its statistics so I’m guessing they’re spammer sites that are finding my blog unattractive. I doubt that Olympics attendees have much interest in an old guy blogging about life in the sandwich generation!

Speaking of the Olympics, I’m finding the amount of grace and courage displayed by other than the Russian and French news media to be heartwarming and life affirming. The athletes are amazingly kind and generous to each other, complimentary of each other’s efforts and even internationally supportive. Yes, it’s all about winning for self and country; but even more than that, it’s about courage and commitment and determination in the face of insurmountable odds and obstacles.

It’s about athletes like skater Jeremy Abbott who was inspired by cheers from the home crowd to get back to his feet after a horrible and painful fall to the ice and to finish what he set out to do, despite the pain and realization that all medal hopes were gone. It’s about athletes like bobsledder Steve Holcomb who despite a degenerative eye disease and a calf injury never gave up, and pulled off his fastest start on run four and with his partner Steve Langton earned the first American medal in two-man sledding in 62 years. It’s about Bode Miller and Noelle Pikus-Pace and Alex Bilodeau for whom family is more important than any race and doing their best is as much for their family as it is for themselves.

This biggest of sporting events is all about what drives people, what inspires them, what calls to their soul, what compels them to give everything they have to a goal, a mission, a purpose.

So my question for the day is one I’ve asked before; what inspires you? What compels you? What informs the decisions you make and the actions you take? When people ask me about what they should do in difficult situations I don’t usually ask them where their head is on such issues; I ask them where their heart is. For me, family trumps everything else. My family inspires me, they compel me, they drive me to the decisions I make and the actions I take. If my family needs me, that’s where I will be. For a man who isn’t prone to display a lot of emotion or passion, and who often appears distant or reserved my family is where my passion lies. I have faith that my needs will be taken care of while I’m focused on theirs.

That’s where my head is today; well, there and wondering what other pondering the Olympics will inspire as we head into the final few days. Being reminded of life’s lessons through the games…Pops

20140204 – Conclusions on Multigenerational Living

Untitled: Still thinking about the title and actually about what I will write today. The brain feels drained for some reason. On the other hand my friend Stu has just dropped in so I suspect interesting conversation is forthcoming.

A new day…well, I was right, and an interesting conversation we had. However, nothing blog worthy; so here I sit, on Wednesday morning, having checked my blog stats and discovered that I probably disappointed several loyal readers who visited yesterday and found no Tuesday with Terry. Maybe I can make up for that today. I’m centering myself with sounds and music of the Desert Southwest in my headset, and contemplating events of the last couple of months.

Having experienced several weeks of empty nest living I guess I’m acclimating to the quietness and more relaxed pace of this lifestyle. On the other hand I’m still firmly sandwiched between Mom’s needs and the kids’ situation, offering the occasional ride to work or home, and trips to the store, solving pharmacy issues, and helping navigate the world of automotive breakdowns and repairs. The kids still call regularly, and we still see and talk with Mom frequently. Fears about feeling unneeded and even a little lonely have subsided, and I’m enjoying the small measure of increased flexibility and freedom that comes with empty nesting. In short, my SW (Sweet Wife) and I are still living life in the sandwich; it’s just not as intense as it used to be. So I think some more pondering is due on sandwich and multigenerational living; today we’ll start with the latter.

What are my conclusions on multigenerational living? I liked it, and I wouldn’t hesitate to do it again. I would make it work in difficult physical circumstances, but I would prefer an abode more suited to and better equipped for this lifestyle. Here are my recommendations for anyone contemplating this lifestyle, and particularly my children if they should find themselves in this situation whether by choice or by accident.

Be prepared to accept that your parents can be a pain in the butt. They may be very fussy about the way things should be. They may be unyielding, strong-willed, and otherwise very determined about certain things. They may be chronic complainers or unceasingly and sickeningly cheerful. They may be very demanding. They may need a lot of physical help but resist admitting it. They may frequently change their minds for no logical reason that you can fathom. But they love you.

Be prepared to accept that your children will be…well, your children, even if they’re all grown up. But they love you. Enough said.

I would establish clear expectations up front regarding chores and responsibilities. I would expect generational financial independence, and clarity regarding cross-generational financial assistance and support. I would expect open and honest communication, and some upfront sharing of individual quirks and foibles; i.e., here’s why I load the dishwasher the way I do; I’m picky about the cleanliness of my kitchen counter; I don’t like stuff piled on the dining table; yes, sometimes I mess up and don’t even follow my own rules; please put things back where they came from; I’m just a control freak, I don’t intend to offend. I think you get my point.

To the extent possible and assuming you are blessed with the financial wherewithal and an abode better outfitted and with more space than that of the Waltons:

• Each generation should have its own bathroom.

• Each should have minimal capability for prepping convenience food and snacks in addition to the common kitchen.

• Each generation should have its own living space beyond the bedroom in addition to the common living area.

• Another way of looking at space is to think of it as each generation having the equivalent of its own efficiency apartment.

• Each should have its own dedicated transportation where appropriate; an additional shared vehicle is very useful.

In many cases these recommendations regarding physical space and transportation are unattainable; they weren’t in our case, but we came close. You can make do in just about any physical circumstances as long as you keep this last recommendation firmly ingrained.

Whether you choose multigenerational living, or have it thrust upon you, let love rule your home. Multigenerational living is a very complex give and take relationship. It is a challenging road to travel and you are pulled in many directions. You will experience frustration and anger, along with happiness and joy. You will experience pain and regret as well as goodness and satisfaction. You will occasionally open your mouth and bad things, unintentionally harmful things will come out; we are human, we make mistakes, we are hurtful. But we also have an unlimited capacity for love and forgiveness. You are in this together. If you let love rule and commitment provide a firm foundation, you will survive and thrive and your family will be stronger for the effort.

Read and take to heart 1 Corinthians 13:1-13; live those words every day and you will never regret living the multigenerational lifestyle.

Loving my family and cherishing every day…Pops

20140128 – Snow Days – Yes, Plural, And Good Memories

Apparently the term global warming just doesn’t apply right now, in the upper Midwest where some of us hearty souls choose to live. The price we pay for glorious summers, ocean-sized lakes, miles of sandy beaches and dunes, forests and rivers is the occasional never-ending winter that starts around Thanksgiving, deposits 75 inches of snow in sixty days, and gives us the pleasure of less than a week worth of above freezing temperatures during that same sixty days. Yes single digit above and below zero air temps, and wind chills of -5 to -40 degrees appear to be the order of the day lately. Later this week it’s supposed to hit a relatively balmy 23 degrees (break out those t-shirts and baggy shorts kids!), but we’re also due for three back to back snow storms over the next eight days.

Somehow the endless string of snow days, single digit temperatures, and sub-zero wind chills in our little corner of the world give one license to leave the doors closed and the car in the garage, slip into fleece-lined sweats, light a fire in the fireplace, and cocoon under a warm blanket with a good book and a steaming mug of hot dark chocolate. A DVD movie marathon is another fun way to withdraw from the world; after all, how often is there enough time in a day to watch the entire Lord of the Rings Trilogy, extended edition/director’s cuts?

Make it a nice little mini-vacation, the snow is just a good excuse to play hooky like we used to do as kids. Board games or cards with your family or significant other, or experiment with some new recipes and get the oven going for extra warmth; there are a few other ideas for you. Or you could just burrow into the mountain of indoor white stuff (yes, unfiled and extraneous paper) that’s been collecting on your office floor and desk for the last six months. After all, it’s tax time and you may just need a few of those receipts and other documents some time before April 15^th.

Needless to say that last option is the one I took last week, considering that I hadn’t seen either the floor or my desktop since sometime last summer when we expeditiously stacked boxes upon boxes worth of papers and photographs from Mom’s condo to get them “out of the way”; yeah, right. Feeling like my office had become a lost cause I let my own stuff accumulate on the floor and my desk, and gradually succumbed to the sludge of slob-dom. Finally last week I was beginning to feel like a hoarder rather than just a packrat, and I was feeling desperate about finding some missing business documents I needed to complete year-end accounting work.

The result of my efforts is a clear path to the closet and the front window, enough space to open a file drawer, and sufficient clear space on my desk to hold two phones, a mug of cold water, and two stacks of current work files. A secondary benefit is a sense of relief, peace, and reduced stress. I guess what they say is true, reducing clutter reduces stress.

Feeling good about shoveling away a blizzard of paper, I set out to do the same thing to the files on my computer. The challenge with computer files is: out of sight, out of mind; and I’m not very quick with the delete key. I’m always worried about needing something later. Well it’s pretty amazing how badly a digital blizzard can fill up a little SD card or flash drive; much less your personal documents file on the hard drive. Just in case you’re curious my personal documents file is seventy gigabytes (70G) of data and comprises 54,640 files in 8,302 folders; frightening, I know. Just my little 2G SD card contained over 1300 files I needed to go through and organize or delete as appropriate. But once again, mission accomplished.

The neat thing about an exercise like this is you get to reflect and recollect. While going through the digital detritus of my life and work I came across this letter to my son. Kind of reminds me of a few things maybe I haven’t been doing so well lately.

Father to Son: A Few of Life’s Lessons

Offered to my son on the occasion of his upcoming wedding

Written in March 2008

On Activities and Relationships:

• Have fun, be spontaneous, look for reasons to say yes every time you can, whether you want to or not.  Be open to letting things happen and enjoying them.  A chance to visit relatives – do it; a dinner out – do it; a game of cards – do it!

• Fully engage!  Do not let yourself get distracted. The times that I remember most happily, clearly and completely are those times that I was living in the moment; I was in the zone (your birth, your sister’s birth, my wedding day, our extended vacation). Too often, I have not given my full attention to the conversation with you, your sister, or your mother. When you don’t look at me, you’re not fully engaged. I still make that mistake to this day, and your mother does too.

• Never, ever violate her trust or even appear to; it can lead to emotional insecurity extremely harmful to your marriage. Do what you promise, and don’t give wrong impressions.

On Communication:

• Make it extensive, don’t hold back, no silent treatment, no sarcasm, no personally hurtful comments, do not assume anything – say it, discuss how you communicate, understand that sometimes when she wants your opinion she may be more interested in validating hers, learn to recognize those situations and give her what she needs

• Look at her, don’t look away, respect her enough to respond, even when you don’t want to engage; ignorance may be bliss but ignoring is disrespectful and hurtful

• Always tell the truth, even little white lies lead to webs of deceit

• Tell her about your needs and wants, your joys and fears, don’t make her guess

• Arguments, have them but fight fair and don’t go to bed angry – agree to disagree if you have to but validate that your relationship is solid, it’s the issue that you’re focused on

On Finance:

• Women usually need more financial security than men, it’s the mothering instinct

• Don’t let her feel insecure

• Do what you must that’s legal and moral and honest to financially support your family

• Do not assume she will want to be the breadwinner just because she has the better job, talk about it and set clear expectations of each other

On Personal Performance:

• Procrastination aggravates problems, it doesn’t solve them

• Do not assume; seek first to understand, then to be understood

• People are people, and not necessarily stupid (at least not all of the time)

• Nothing is as scary as you make it out to be

• The world will not end if you fail

• The world will not end if what you do isn’t perfect

• Glorious mistakes are often more satisfying than perfection

This snowy winter day it was nice to be reminded that I occasionally write things that make sense. Not bad advice in this little epistle; perhaps I should heed it a little more often…Pops

20140121 – Just Living

It’s interesting to hang out on Tuesday mornings and just look around at the patrons here at my favorite Tuesday hanging place. I wonder sometimes what is happening in everyone’s lives. Grandma and Grandpa with their two toddler grandchildren, a lone business man hard at work and wired for sound with his tablet snuggled in close to his laptop, several tables of retirees grabbing Tuesday morning coffee and chatting, a suit and a blue collar cheerfully engaged in casual conversation, a seventy-something with her paper and crossword puzzle; I guess it’s just living, each in his or her own way.

We see such small slices of other people’s lives, and yet there’s a wonderful and unseen richness to it all, a richness that we often take for granted. Or we ponder it so much that we grind to a halt, second guessing our lives and what we’re making of them. I’m just a natural ponderer so I find myself doing this all the time, but that’s me, just living in my own way. When people see me here on Tuesday mornings they may completely ignore me, give me a passing glance and nod, or wonder what in the world I’m writing about for hours at a time. They have no idea what a small slice of my life my writing is. Some may even think I’m a full-time professional writer – who knows?

Little do they know that I’m a cheerful Grandpa to two toddlers, or a senior board member at the chamber of commerce, that I own and manage three businesses, that I’m an amateur plumber about to repair a toilet at Mom’s condo, that I’m meeting a delivery guy in four hours to help set up a new lift chair for Mom, that I did four loads of laundry yesterday, that I cook a pretty decent pot roast, or that I enjoy singing in the church choir and biking and kayaking and watching sappy movies, oh, and pondering!

There’s really a lot of richness in all that, and it makes me happy. Am I a little disappointed in how some things have worked out? Sure. Would I do some things differently? Sure. Do I have regrets? Some. Am I on the lookout for the reason I’m here and am I trying to make it better? Always.
 

I can’t imagine what it must be like for Mom to be stuck in assisted living just getting from day to day. I think I’d need to be active and if I couldn’t be physically active I’d be mentally active. I suppose I’d look for the reason to live and act on it whatever it might be. Despite all her pain and discomfort Mom still says God must not be done with her yet because she’s still here. I hope she takes that as a sign that she is still important, that she can still make a difference, and that she just needs to figure out for herself what that difference can be and how she’ll act on it.

Is there richness to her life? You bet. Maybe her current state obscures that richness or at least her awareness of it. Just by being here she makes a big difference in the lives of her daughter and son-in-law, her grandchildren and great grandchildren. I pray that the good Lord opens her weary eyes, helps her see what a difference she makes and inspires her to keep on.

Looking for the richness in life and living…Pops

20140114 – Are You Prepared?

For caregiving, living in the sandwich and multigenerational living that is. Is this type of situation looming in your future? Having lived in a multigenerational household for a number of years, and having taken care of aging parents at the same time, I can say that it’s not easy. But there are things you can do to make it easier – lessons learned the hard way. And I’ll warn you right now – you’ve heard this before and you know you should do it, so get busy and get it done. My two guiding principles are:

1. Life is about people, not things.
2. Simplify and organize.

These two guiding principles actually make sense for life in general and not just in situations where you might be a caregiver, a multigenerational household member, or a part of life in the sandwich. After all, each one of these can come in various forms. You could be the elder needing care. You could be the adult child in a multigenerational living arrangement, you could have single parents in your household (you may be one). You could be two couples in one home. You get my point.

Since I’m a planner at heart, let me start with the second principle; simplify and organize. Clutter is a stressor and interferes with getting things done. In your living situation you do not need to add to the stress of caring for someone else, maintaining your space, and managing your own daily activities. Get rid of as much stuff as possible, organize the rest, and always put things back where they came from. That last one is a real sticky wicket but, if you don’t do it, things rapidly become disorganized and remain so despite your best attempts to organize. You’ll just end up repeating the process and you don’t need to be doing things over and over again. If you don’t have time to do it right, when will you find time to do it over, hmm?

Simplifying doesn’t mean get rid of everything. It just means keep the quantity of your stuff down to what you can comfortably manage so that it doesn’t interfere with the other principle. One of my favorite bloggers, Glenn, lives in a beautifully converted VW Vanagon containing all his worldly possessions except for two tubs stored with friends, and he has empty cabinet space! He works out of his home on wheels from anywhere he chooses. And he still has quality family time through the year and has a large and growing circle of friends.

Other friends are empty nesters and live in a large home on acreage with an outbuilding and a pool. Their life and home are uncluttered and organized and they are actively involved in their church and outside organizations.

Organize also means getting your personal affairs in order. No matter what your age, if you’re an adult you should be managing your finances and your legal affairs; i.e., powers of attorney for health care and general use, will and trust, estate planning, and retirement planning. It doesn’t matter if you’re 21, 52, or 83; this is essential. It keeps things simple for you and for your heirs, particularly as you age and transition from independent living to assisted living to the potential of full time care. We’re living longer these days and we’re surviving longer with serious illnesses and physical limitations. Follow that Boy Scout motto: Be prepared.

Now for the first principle: Life is about people, not things. That doesn’t mean you couldn’t have a hobby or other personal interests. In fact I believe hobbies and personal interests are essential to maintaining your sanity while in caregiving and multigenerational situations; i.e. living in the sandwich. For me, people make life worth living. I love spending time with my wife, my parents and in-laws, my children, my grandchildren, my siblings, and my friends. I enjoy the time I spend working together with my business associates to create successful organizations that fill human needs.

That may sound strange to many family members and friends who know me as quiet and reserved. The real me loves that time together, one-on-one or in small groups building stronger and deeper relationships. But I admit, I’m not a party animal and I greatly value my personal quiet time for recharging. And I prefer a few deep relationships to a large number of acquaintances. I’ll probably never have 500 Facebook friends or LinkedIn connections. Still, it’s about people, not things.

And with multigenerational living, life in the sandwich, and caregiving it is most certainly about people. None of those situations are easy, and if you don’t build strong relationships with the others sharing your situation, life will be downright hard. With strong relationships life can be very rewarding; you can make a difference for other people. I guess when I finally check out I’d rather leave behind a flood of good memories and people who I’ve helped, and not just a pile of junk someone else has to clean up.

Have you simplified and organized? Are you ready to be focused on people, not things? Then you might be prepared for the challenges of caregiving, multigenerational living, and living life in the sandwich. If not, maybe it’s time to get busy.

Getting busy…Pondering Pops

20140107 – Reflections and Resolutions

I’m back, it’s snowing, it’s cold and getting colder, and I love it. I mean I must love it, right? It’s Michigan, and I choose to live here. Of course I also love my serious snow thrower and my down parka with deep hood, both of which make the occasional bout of really raw winter weather tolerable. Anyway, I’m back to writing after a nice holiday break; and thinking about the new year and how it will be different from last year.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions. Did you make any? Have you broken any yet? I think maybe I don’t like them and often break them if and when I make them, because I don’t make them about the right thing. So what would be the right thing about which to make a resolution? Hmm…

Maybe if I reflect a little on the last year something will come to mind. Big family changes, big moves, tough business cycle, improved retirement outlook, fun visits to both east and west coasts, 400^th Birthday Anniversary Reunion, no camping at our favorite retreat, continuing marginal health, conquering major depression, suffering minor frustrations, happy times with grandchildren and family, reconnecting with old friends, losing an old friend too soon, making new friends and even starting and maintaining a new blog that a few people actually read.

What’s the common thread? I think it’s my attitude about what made me happy, what made me sad, and what made life worthwhile for me. Those times when I was happiest were the times I was with family and friends doing things that were new or just catching up on things that weren’t. When I disappointed others, I also disappointed myself. When I was moping around others ended up being down, too. When I was happy the people around me also seemed happy. When I wanted someone to change I wasn’t happy because I wasn’t in control. And what is the only thing I really am in control of? Me.

I can’t control others, nor can I control what they think of me or expect of me. But I can control what I expect of me, and I can make those expectations realistic and achievable. I can push myself and set the bar high, or I can make it easy and set the bar low. Whatever I do, I need to be happy with and love myself, and feel like I’m making a difference in the lives of my family, friends, and others.

I don’t know if I can lose 75 pounds, but I do know I can weigh less at the end of the year than I do now. I don’t know if I can exercise 150 minutes a week, but I do know I can exercise more than I do now. I don’t know if I can maintain a paleo diet for the year, but I do know I can eat more wisely this year.  I don’t know if I can close $50,000 in new business this year, but I do know I can close more business than last year. I don’t know if I can sing in the choir for the whole year, but I do know I can sing in the choir now.

I can’t undo the past, but I can move in a good direction starting today. I can take each day as it comes, as the present, as the gift it is, and make the best of it. If I don’t make the best of it I can forgive myself and start over tomorrow.

This I can do; this will be my resolution on this, the first day of the rest of my life…Pops

20131220 – My Reason, My Season, My Choice This Christmas

Despite the three “My”s in the title, this post is not about just me; it’s about my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and my love for Him, and my joy for this greatest of all gifts that God gave to all the people of the world. It’s about my excitement that Jesus survived to the appointed time through the grace and love of God, his family, his friends, and his followers. It’s about what he taught me through the Gospel stories. And it’s about what God taught me through the prophets and believers and the stories they told that were captured in those books of the Bible written so many centuries ago. Note too that while this is written in first person singular, my wife contributed to this piece and she and I are of one accord; we together speak these things with one voice, and one heart.

I firmly believe that what I understand about the Bible, and how I live consistent with that understanding, and my complete and unconditional acceptance of Jesus Christ as my Lord and personal savior are sufficient for my salvation and entry into God’s kingdom here on earth and in Heaven. Beyond what I understand about the Bible, I do not know conclusively what else Jesus may have taught, nor do I choose to assume anything beyond his lessons and stories documented in the Gospels. Consequently, I do not believe that God will condemn me to eternal life in purgatory or hell for choosing to celebrate the giving of His matchless gift, Love, through His son Jesus Christ.

So how do I explain to my grandchildren how and why I choose to celebrate this great gift from God? This is what I will tell them.

I choose to celebrate Christ’s birth because for me it is an overwhelmingly joyful event and for me the greatest gift humans were ever given. I know that it was not the custom or the culture to celebrate birthdays two thousand years ago; but that was then, this is now, and I choose.

I choose to celebrate Christ’s birth in late December because it is a time of change, it is a time of clearing the slate, and it is a time of preparing to start another season of life. In our climate it is a time of peacefulness and quiet and stillness. It is a time of stark beauty. It is a time of brightness in the night sky. It is a time of great expectations for the future. I could just as easily choose to celebrate in the spring, another new season, but that is a time of rebirth when I celebrate his death and resurrection. I could choose to celebrate at the Jewish celebration of Sukkoth which may or may not be a more accurate choice from the standpoint of the ancient calendar. I do not choose because the Council of Nicaea chose the Feast of Saturnalia nearly 1700 years ago. I do not choose because of the modern culture I have lived in for over 60 years. That was then, this is now, and I choose.

I choose to celebrate Christ’s birth with the giving of gifts to those I love and cherish. God gave the greatest gift of all, His love through His son. How can I not pass that gift along through the gift of my time and love to my family and friends and even my enemies as Jesus taught me to do? Will God condemn me if I give tokens of my love and affection along with that love and affection? I don’t think so. Historically the Magi gave gifts to honor Kings; gifts were not given on birthdays. That was then, this is now, and I choose.

I choose to celebrate Christ’s birth by placing mementos of God’s love, and my family’s love and of special events on a fir tree, a tree that maintains its color through the seasons and reminds me of another of God’s great gifts, this Earth and all life upon it. I could just as easily not keep any mementos, or I could place them on a mantel, or a table, or a shelf. Western Europeans used a tree for other special events and pagan purposes centuries ago. But that was then, this is now, and I choose.

I choose to celebrate Christ’s birth with the majority of my Christian community so we can raise our voices together.  I want to join my voice with others and sing the beautiful and moving songs of the season; the songs of faith and joy and love.  I choose to celebrate in fellowship…I choose.

My choice poses challenges, a kind of Christmas conundrum when it comes to those I love who choose differently. I can settle into the gloom of our different choices, or I can choose the fact that those I love still celebrate Jesus’ birth and life joyfully, however and whenever they choose to do so. And I choose joy.

It troubles me that there is so much discord these days about the holidays and the reason that Christmas was created and celebrated as a holiday. It troubles me that consumerism and materialism have encroached on the religious nature of the holiday. And it does trouble me that the decision by the Romans to position Christmas on December 25 was in effect co-opting a pagan celebration. But I believe it was done at least to some degree with the intent of making disciples for Christ, and that’s not a bad thing.

No, I don’t believe God would condemn me to hell for celebrating His son’s birth as I choose to, any more than He would condemn me for choosing to worship as a Methodist instead of as a Calvinist or a Lutheran or a Baptist or a Catholic.

It’s a long explanation that my grandchildren are not yet ready for; and it will come out gradually as they begin to ask questions. Until then I will happily celebrate Christmas at least twice each year, once with my daughter and her family at Sukkoth, and once in December for me. In fact, I think I’ll just celebrate Christmas every day of the year by giving the gift of time, love, and the occasional gold, frankincense, and myrrh when I can’t be the hands, feet and heart of Christ in person.

And to all of you readers out there, know that when I wish you a Merry Christmas, it’s only because I know what I celebrate, but I don’t know if you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Saturnalia, Ramadan, or even Festivus. All I wish for you is joy and peace no matter how or what you celebrate this season, your choice…Pops

20131217 – Empty Nest, Full Hearts

A little more than thirty-three years ago our nest consisted of two humans and a canine. And then another precious little human appeared in our nest. We adapted and loved and nurtured and taught and raised that little person up in the ways he should go. About four years after that another little human graced our nest with her presence. And we adapted and loved and nurtured and taught and raised that little person up in the ways she should go. Others joined us in our safe and warm little nest for a little while or longer. And we sheltered and helped and supported and shared a little of our hearts with each of them before they ventured out again.

For all of these years our nest was never empty, until now. The little human who first appeared in our nest has become the last to leave, big and strong and mature, ready to make his own way in the world, his lovely bride by his side. As we helped them move over the weekend I began to ponder life in an empty nest, and found I wasn’t as excited about the prospect as I first thought I would be.

Part of living in the sandwich is caring for and taking care of your extended family, and feeling needed and important and loved in the process. How does that continue to work in their absence, when the sandwich is no more?

Our youngest left first and now lives on the other side of a continent; but we still talk with her almost daily as she shares the challenges of raising her own family and asks questions about so many different things that are new to her but facts of life for us.

Our oldest left last and now lives just a short drive away. Will we still talk with him daily? Will he call with questions about new challenges they face? Will he ask us over just to share a meal or fix something around the house? Will I still get to be a Dad every once in a while?

Many years ago, as he reached college age, I wrote a little poem, blank verse, about his leaving the nest. Now that time has finally come:

There he goes!  Made it out of the bedroom, now he’s down the hall.

Watch him turn the corner, Oops!  The carpet got him but that’s okay.

His first solo steps, and he wasted no time!

Traveled half the house on the very first try.

“How far can I go Daddy?”  “We’ll see.”

Lord, thank you for giving us a son.

“Wow Daddy, a shiny new tricycle, blue with silver fenders!”

“Here we go Son, put your feet right here, now push one, then the other.”

There he goes!  Made it down the drive.

“How far can I go, Daddy?”  “We’ll see.”

Lord, please protect our son.

“Hey Daddy, a bicycle with training wheels!  Thanks!”

“Here we go Son, just like your trike, but you need to balance.

Don’t worry, I’m holding on to the seat.  You can do it.”

“Okay Daddy, let go now.  I can do it!

How far can I go, Daddy?”  “We’ll see.”

Lord, please keep him safe.

“Daddy, these training wheels are really noisy!”

“Well let’s take them off, Son.  Now you steer and balance together.

Feel how it stays up, and turns if you lean?”

“Its tricky Daddy, but I can do it!”  “Lets try again.”

“How far can I go, Daddy?”  “Son, we’ll see.”

Lord, please comfort him when he falls.

“Gee Dad, this mountain bike is great!  Thanks!”

“Do you need some help Son?  Those gears are kind of tough to handle.

Feel each click of the shift, pick the right gear to get you up the hill.”

“I feel it Dad, sometimes it’s hard to pedal, sometimes easy.”  “That’s right, Son.”

“How far can I go, Dad?”  “We’ll see Son, we’ll see.”

Lord, please give him strength for the mountains he’ll climb.

“Hey Dad, Drivers’ Ed is a lot of fun!

But I didn’t know there was so much to learn about driving.”

“Lots of rules Son, but they come with the territory.

Remember, take care of the car, mind the rules, and be sensible.”

“How far can I go, Dad?”  “We’ll see Son, we’ll see.”

Lord, please show him the way, and give him faith.

“Car’s all loaded Dad; I’m ready to go.”

“Got everything you need, Son?”  “I think so.”

“What about…”  “Hang on to it for me, would you please?”

“Sure Son, remember to call, and write!”  “Thanks Dad, I promise I will!”

“How far will you be going, Son?”  “We’ll see Dad, we’ll see.”

Lord, walk with him every mile.

Hugs all around, then Mom and Dad retreat to the front room, 

and part the curtains a bit.

He backs down the drive, pauses, and signs “I love you” through the glass.

Holding each other, they mouth the words back, then wave as he pulls away.

Brake lights at the street corner…moist eyes in the front room.

She searches his face, “Will he be okay?”  His strained whisper, “We’ll see…”

Lord, we entrust him to you, and thank you for the privilege.

20131203 – Empty Nests and the Christmas Letter

Some of you are certainly prompt with your Christmas cards and letters! The first two arrived in the mail yesterday, emphasizing the big task on my list for the next few weeks; that of completing our own family Christmas greetings before the big event. I’m excited about the task ahead and looking forward to reconnecting with long-missed friends and distant family members. At the same time I have mixed emotions about this season. This just may be a hard to write Christmas Letter.

I always look forward to Christmas as not just a celebration of Christ’s birth, but a celebration of love and family and faith. It’s the giving of time and self much more than the giving of gifts that makes this holiday special for me. But this will be a celebration of mixed blessings, this Christmas of 2013. This year our home will feel more empty than it has in thirty-three years as this season marks the end of multiple generations sharing this place, and this space. It will be our first empty nest Christmas since we began our family a third of a century ago.

Oh yes, we’ll have plenty of family time, not to worry; but to wake up on Christmas morning to a quiet house, and not hear the squeal of little voices or the patter of little feet (or these days the gentle treading of my son’s size eleven slippers) will not necessarily be a welcome change. It will be a difficult adjustment, one that I do not anticipate with joy, one that will not provoke a, “Yes, finally have the house to ourselves again” kind of feeling (although I’m sure that sentiment will flash through my brain on occasion, perhaps in the middle of a steamy hot shower, or watching a movie in the family room in my pajamas).

Passages, reimagining life as I mentioned last week; that is what is being thrust upon us this Christmas season. And with no children at home, and grandchildren at the other end of the continent, this will be a rather abrupt shift to a new stage of life for us.

S and L, and D and I were working away at Mom’s condo Saturday, packing and painting and arranging, and sneaking in a quick pizza and soda for sustenance. It felt good and it brought back memories of our own first move to our own place. It’s a good thing to take on that responsibility, and the even bigger responsibility of being a caretaker for Grandma’s place for a time, a responsibility S and L are not taking lightly. Still, they’re excited to be moving out and taking this large next step in their life together as a couple.

Put in the context of celebrating new life, I think this Christmas will be exactly that, a time to celebrate the birth of newly re-imagined lives and the baby steps it takes to start down new paths, paths that may take us far apart, but at the end of life as we know it, will inevitably bring us back together in that sweet eternal, multigenerational home that my faith tells me is waiting somewhere down the road.

And speaking of Christmas Letters, are you for or against them? I have to say for, but with specific conditions: they should be limited to two pages or less including photos; and they should be directed at close friends and family with whom you have not been able to share the gift of time over the past year. I suppose a third condition might be that they cover major events or life changes, but not offer a blow by blow chronology of the entire year. But hey, that’s just my opinion, and how I approach my letters.

Christmas Letters are important to me because we have close friends and relatives who we rarely have a chance to see or talk with. I treasure those relationships but sometimes I have no way to share just how much they mean to me other than through a letter. The Christmas Letter is my way of reaching out and asking how they are and what important things have happened in their lives over the past year. And it’s my way of answering those same questions I assume they might have of me. Maybe I’m foolish to make that assumption, you know, that someone might actually care about me and my family the way I care for them. So be it; I’ll take that chance because Christmas for me is an affirmation of life and love and family and relationships. Oh, and if you’re friends or relatives who haven’t heard from us at Christmas recently and have been missing that connection then feel free to take me to task for that oversight; I’ve probably screwed up the Christmas Letter list somehow.

Empty nests and Christmas Letters; hmm…what strange bedfellows in the pondering business. Although that peculiar linkage may just get me past the emptiness I’m already starting to feel and warm up the old ticker enough to get me started on this year’s Christmas Letter…Pops

20131202 – Just Wow!

On Sunday afternoon my little suburb made me seriously proud, extremely ecstatic, and appropriately humbled to explore the absolutely beautiful performance spaces and supporting facilities of the new Jenison Center for the Arts. It is without a doubt one of the finest community performing arts centers I have ever been blessed to visit.

There are two groups of people who deserve special recognition for this accomplishment: the students of the Jenison Public Schools who have, through their persistent determination over the years to perform at the caliber deserving of Grammy Award status, demonstrated the need and the demand for a facility capable of supporting their gifts, talents, passions, and energy; and the residents who had the courage and will to invest their hard-earned financial resources in their community.

And let’s not forgot those visionaries whose determination brought this facility to life, who saw this project through, and the more than two dozen West Michigan contractors who contributed their efforts to its successful conclusion.

As I walked from space to space listening to our student guides describe the facilities and share interesting facts about all I could do was say, “Wow!”, lift my jaw off the floor, and again say, “Wow!” There are not adequate superlatives to describe just how remarkable a facility this is. It is destined to become the cornerstone of community pride and a magnet for new economic growth and expansion. I for one can’t wait; and I’m happy to be a resident in and beneficiary of all of the wonderful celebrations of the arts sure to be experienced in this place.

Did I say, “Wow?” Well then, “Wow!” it is…Pops