20140225-2 - Thinking About Health, Life and Responsibility

As I was writing my last post my observations about powers of attorney and estate documents triggered some thoughts about responsibility that I think everyone’s children and grandchildren should consider as they come of age.

Life is a blessing. When we become adults, if we get to become adults, we become responsible for how we live our lives and what we do to and with ourselves. Sometimes circumstances take away our ability to remain responsible for our lives. Ultimately all corporeal life has an end. We all will face it, we just don’t know when.

Planning for the end of life as we know it is something most of us put off way too long. But planning for that eventuality is part of becoming a responsible adult. Responsible adults plan for situations when they lose the ability to remain responsible for their lives. Responsible adults plan for that certain time when they will no longer be responsible for their stuff, for everything they will leave behind.

Responsible adults think about what they would want done and whom they would want to assume responsibility for them when they can no longer do and decide things for themselves. And responsible adults decide in advance what they want done with everything they will leave behind.

The day you come of age is not too soon to think about these things. Age 22 is not too soon to think about advanced medical directives and durable powers of attorney for health care if something should happen to you. Age 22 is not too soon to think about whom should assume responsibility for your stuff when you’re no longer here.

I waited until I was 37 to prepare my first will. I waited until I was 62 to prepare my first advanced medical directive and healthcare power of attorney. I've been lucky to live a long and good life. People like Sarah Burke, extreme skier, age 29, and Sarah Jones, dolly grip and second AC, age 27, were not.

Do not take the chance of saddling your parents or your children or a stranger with making healthcare and estate distribution decisions without the benefit of your thoughts and desires. Your loss will be more than painful enough for them to bear.

Taking responsibility is much more than making career decisions and raising families and behaving in acceptable and non-harmful ways. Taking responsibility is planning for that time when you can’t take responsibility anymore; that time when you must entrust the responsibility for you to a responsible person you can trust. Prepare, and choose wisely; but do not wait. Face your life and your mortality early, thoughtfully, and bravely; and free yourself to live your life fully and confidently.

Love…Dad, Pops, Grandpa and Pop-pop

20140225 - Organizing the Important Stuff!

One thing about life in the sandwich and multigenerational living that always challenges me – keeping the important stuff organized. Intuitively I am an organizer, a strategic planner. Practically, I’m a semi organized slob. It doesn’t work for me, but it’s what I am. I need to fix it. I’m working on it. I think I’m getting better at it. But this is another case of please do as I say, not as I do!

On the way to work this morning D and I were talking about Mom’s important papers and whether or not D needed to organize them better. Understand that D has her Mom’s stuff all arranged in file folders stored in a neatly organized file box, with overflow organized in a storage ottoman which is easily accessible right in the space she uses for her home office. It all seems quite nicely organized to me, and certainly way better than I usually do.

Still, she was pondering out loud about the need to maybe have a binder for insurance policies and other important papers – even more organization! She speculated that she used to be very organized in her younger days and that perhaps having kids and a lousy influence for a husband (wink, grin) might have caused her to slack off over the years. I suggested that maybe with maturity comes a slight relaxing of what is dangerously close to obsessive behavior, and maybe even a more acceptably casual approach to life. For a moment I thought I had her convinced, but then I did as I so often do and put my foot in my mouth by suggesting maybe a binder with some sheet protectors would make sense; I just never learn when to quit…

Seriously though, keeping everyone’s stuff organized is very important in a multigenerational situation like ours. Working through medical and legal details with Mom just highlighted the importance of managing all of her paperwork as effectively as possible, and taught us a lesson about managing our own.

Since I’m chewing on shoe leather anyway, here are the minimums I would suggest keeping in a binder close at hand:

• Copies of current medical, life, home and auto insurance policies
• Copies of estate planning documents including wills and trusts
• Copies of other legal documents including general and health care powers of attorney involving you
• Copies of documents appointing others as trustees or executors of your estate
• Copies of documents appointing you as trustee or executor of others’ estates
• Copies of all property and automobile titles
• Copies of all mortgages, loan documents, signature lines and notes payable of any type
• A list of all retirement accounts and contact information for the custodian of each
• A list of all investment accounts and contact information for the custodian of each
• A list of all bank accounts and contact information for the custodian of each
• A list of all credit card and loan accounts and relevant contact information
• Copies of your last three years of income tax returns

Note: All the financial documents may be voluminous and could be kept in a second binder.

Originals of all these documents should be kept in a safe deposit box or other secure location away from your residence.

I would also create and save a digital copy of each of these documents in portable document format (PDF) to a thumb drive or SD card which can be carried with you whenever you will not have access to your binder(s). If you have access to secure cloud storage (Dropbox or Google Drive or MS Skydrive, etc.) it might be helpful to keep copies out there as well. That way no matter where you are, if you have access to your smartphone or a computer and the internet you can get at those essential documents. With email and/or digital faxing capability (I have both) you can send a copy of any document to anyone (think accountant, attorney, doctor) who needs it.

In our household this would involve two complete sets of documents; ours and Mom’s. I know this is easier said than done, but having access to these documents no matter where you are and when you need them makes life way easier for you and those who depend on you.

Turns out the binder idea, supplemented with a little application of technology might be a pretty good idea. It actually ends up being a great starting place for organizing paperwork in your home. With the addition of a good tracking and bill paying system and a workable budgeting process you’ll have that blizzard of paper pretty well shoveled away. Simplify this area of your life and you should feel way less stressed and a little more in control.

Hmm, maybe this batch of shoe leather was worth chewing after all, thanks D…Pops

20140218-2 – Snow Plows, Love ‘Em or Hate ‘Em

After 59 Michigan Winters (I lived five years out of state) I’ve developed a love-hate relationship with the county snow plow. Dog lovers (me included) know what it’s like; you love them as companions and friends and hate them when you’re cleaning up the yard after they do their duty.

I love it when the plow comes by and keeps my road clean, especially when I enjoy another one of those 100 inch winters (yes, yesterday’s blizzard put us Grand Rapidians into triple digits for this season). I hate it when I have to go remove the leftovers from the foot of my driveway. In honor of yet another post plowing driveway clearing occasion I propose an addition to the lexicon of us folk living in the land of winter snows; wait for it…plow-poop.

Plow-poop:  noun, 1. the lumpy brown and white mass of snow, sand, salt and ice chunks deposited at the foot of a driveway during the clearing of public streets by government vehicles. 2. The pile of aforementioned material left in the center of a cul-de-sac during a single pass of a snow plow. 3. The triangular mass of the aforementioned material left in a “T” intersection during a single pass of a snow plow. 4. The pile of sand and salt left in the middle of the street by a plow as it pauses during its plowing activities and fails to also pause the dispenser.

Yes folks, just think of your snow shovel, snow blower, or snow thrower as an oversized pooper-scooper! I’m just glad I don’t have to collect all of that stuff in a bag and throw it in my trash, particularly since most of my front yard is covered with up to five feet of the stuff. Considering we’ve only hit the freezing mark for a high about ten times in the last seventy five days, I may have to live with some serious plow-poop for awhile. At least, for now, it’s not in my driveway. Oh, and it doesn't smell!

I think it’s time to talk to the Merriam-Webster people about updating their dictionary…Pops

20140218 – Inspiration and the “Games”

I’ve been playing hooky from blogging lately to concentrate on work and housekeeping and Olympics watching. I found it interesting that about the time the Olympics began the page view count on my blog spiked and the sources of increased page views were Russia and Ukraine…very peculiar. I have pretty major security in use and my computer doesn’t seem to be hacked, so I think I’m OK. Although Blogger counts them, Google Analytics ignores those page views in its statistics so I’m guessing they’re spammer sites that are finding my blog unattractive. I doubt that Olympics attendees have much interest in an old guy blogging about life in the sandwich generation!

Speaking of the Olympics, I’m finding the amount of grace and courage displayed by other than the Russian and French news media to be heartwarming and life affirming. The athletes are amazingly kind and generous to each other, complimentary of each other’s efforts and even internationally supportive. Yes, it’s all about winning for self and country; but even more than that, it’s about courage and commitment and determination in the face of insurmountable odds and obstacles.

It’s about athletes like skater Jeremy Abbott who was inspired by cheers from the home crowd to get back to his feet after a horrible and painful fall to the ice and to finish what he set out to do, despite the pain and realization that all medal hopes were gone. It’s about athletes like bobsledder Steve Holcomb who despite a degenerative eye disease and a calf injury never gave up, and pulled off his fastest start on run four and with his partner Steve Langton earned the first American medal in two-man sledding in 62 years. It’s about Bode Miller and Noelle Pikus-Pace and Alex Bilodeau for whom family is more important than any race and doing their best is as much for their family as it is for themselves.

This biggest of sporting events is all about what drives people, what inspires them, what calls to their soul, what compels them to give everything they have to a goal, a mission, a purpose.

So my question for the day is one I’ve asked before; what inspires you? What compels you? What informs the decisions you make and the actions you take? When people ask me about what they should do in difficult situations I don’t usually ask them where their head is on such issues; I ask them where their heart is. For me, family trumps everything else. My family inspires me, they compel me, they drive me to the decisions I make and the actions I take. If my family needs me, that’s where I will be. For a man who isn’t prone to display a lot of emotion or passion, and who often appears distant or reserved my family is where my passion lies. I have faith that my needs will be taken care of while I’m focused on theirs.

That’s where my head is today; well, there and wondering what other pondering the Olympics will inspire as we head into the final few days. Being reminded of life’s lessons through the games…Pops

20140204 – Conclusions on Multigenerational Living

Untitled: Still thinking about the title and actually about what I will write today. The brain feels drained for some reason. On the other hand my friend Stu has just dropped in so I suspect interesting conversation is forthcoming.

A new day…well, I was right, and an interesting conversation we had. However, nothing blog worthy; so here I sit, on Wednesday morning, having checked my blog stats and discovered that I probably disappointed several loyal readers who visited yesterday and found no Tuesday with Terry. Maybe I can make up for that today. I’m centering myself with sounds and music of the Desert Southwest in my headset, and contemplating events of the last couple of months.

Having experienced several weeks of empty nest living I guess I’m acclimating to the quietness and more relaxed pace of this lifestyle. On the other hand I’m still firmly sandwiched between Mom’s needs and the kids’ situation, offering the occasional ride to work or home, and trips to the store, solving pharmacy issues, and helping navigate the world of automotive breakdowns and repairs. The kids still call regularly, and we still see and talk with Mom frequently. Fears about feeling unneeded and even a little lonely have subsided, and I’m enjoying the small measure of increased flexibility and freedom that comes with empty nesting. In short, my SW (Sweet Wife) and I are still living life in the sandwich; it’s just not as intense as it used to be. So I think some more pondering is due on sandwich and multigenerational living; today we’ll start with the latter.

What are my conclusions on multigenerational living? I liked it, and I wouldn’t hesitate to do it again. I would make it work in difficult physical circumstances, but I would prefer an abode more suited to and better equipped for this lifestyle. Here are my recommendations for anyone contemplating this lifestyle, and particularly my children if they should find themselves in this situation whether by choice or by accident.

Be prepared to accept that your parents can be a pain in the butt. They may be very fussy about the way things should be. They may be unyielding, strong-willed, and otherwise very determined about certain things. They may be chronic complainers or unceasingly and sickeningly cheerful. They may be very demanding. They may need a lot of physical help but resist admitting it. They may frequently change their minds for no logical reason that you can fathom. But they love you.

Be prepared to accept that your children will be…well, your children, even if they’re all grown up. But they love you. Enough said.

I would establish clear expectations up front regarding chores and responsibilities. I would expect generational financial independence, and clarity regarding cross-generational financial assistance and support. I would expect open and honest communication, and some upfront sharing of individual quirks and foibles; i.e., here’s why I load the dishwasher the way I do; I’m picky about the cleanliness of my kitchen counter; I don’t like stuff piled on the dining table; yes, sometimes I mess up and don’t even follow my own rules; please put things back where they came from; I’m just a control freak, I don’t intend to offend. I think you get my point.

To the extent possible and assuming you are blessed with the financial wherewithal and an abode better outfitted and with more space than that of the Waltons:

• Each generation should have its own bathroom.

• Each should have minimal capability for prepping convenience food and snacks in addition to the common kitchen.

• Each generation should have its own living space beyond the bedroom in addition to the common living area.

• Another way of looking at space is to think of it as each generation having the equivalent of its own efficiency apartment.

• Each should have its own dedicated transportation where appropriate; an additional shared vehicle is very useful.

In many cases these recommendations regarding physical space and transportation are unattainable; they weren’t in our case, but we came close. You can make do in just about any physical circumstances as long as you keep this last recommendation firmly ingrained.

Whether you choose multigenerational living, or have it thrust upon you, let love rule your home. Multigenerational living is a very complex give and take relationship. It is a challenging road to travel and you are pulled in many directions. You will experience frustration and anger, along with happiness and joy. You will experience pain and regret as well as goodness and satisfaction. You will occasionally open your mouth and bad things, unintentionally harmful things will come out; we are human, we make mistakes, we are hurtful. But we also have an unlimited capacity for love and forgiveness. You are in this together. If you let love rule and commitment provide a firm foundation, you will survive and thrive and your family will be stronger for the effort.

Read and take to heart 1 Corinthians 13:1-13; live those words every day and you will never regret living the multigenerational lifestyle.

Loving my family and cherishing every day…Pops