20130730 – Solid Foundations

I got to talking with friends this morning over breakfast (he’s a model railroader and his wife is very supportive and “crafty” in her own right) and the subject of benchwork (the wood used to support the railroad) came up. S was talking about a helix he was designing, reinforced with angle iron and solid joint supports so the thing would hold the weight of a model train and itself through several complete circles stacked on top of each other. This is a continuous spiral of track designed to gain 16 inches of elevation, allowing two levels of model railroading in a given space. The thing has to be solid, not subject to warping from humidity, and designed not too steep to prevent a model train from climbing it and not too shallow that it doesn’t provide enough clearance between tiers for trains to pass.

A mutual railroading friend observed that maybe S was over-designing the helix; angle iron, really? This other friend built his foundation for a new rail yard on 1x2 lumber with 2 inch foam on top and S noted that it was already sagging between the supports. A third friend decided to use furniture grade ¾ inch plywood for his foundation and even cut 1x4 “lumber” from the plywood to use as a structure supporting the plywood roadbed. It was a big investment in time and money. When completed, he wryly observed that he wasn’t sure it was solid enough and then proceeded to jump on top of the whole assembly, all ??? pounds of himself, producing nary a wobble or sag in the process. Hmm, seems pretty solid to me.

A solid foundation is essential to a successful and trouble free model railroad. It can stand the weight of the plaster and scenery, and it’s stable so the rails stay put and trains don’t jump the tracks whether the owner is working in solitude or the layout is surrounded by visitors. It’s also essential to living a fulfilling life in the sandwich. I don’t know about you but I sure prefer to have a solid foundation to help me carry what seems to be the weight of the world, and to keep me on track when life seems determined to derail me.

How solid is your personal foundation? Have you built your life on rock, or on sand? What values drive your life? Are you on a mission and focused? Are you self-aware and mindful of how you affect others by what you do and how you act? Do you take responsibility and initiative, and accept accountability for your actions? Do you manage your time wisely? Are you a continuous learner? Do you manage your emotions effectively? Do you make sound decisions? Do you communicate effectively? Do you build productive and healthy personal and work relationships with others? Does your behavior in public or in private always reflect your foundation?

Building a solid foundation is a lifelong endeavor. You’re not born with it. You don’t inherit it. And you sure don’t buy it. You start building it in the sandbox, continue building it through your school years, and reinforce and strengthen it during your entire adult life. If you are not just smart but wise about it, you build your foundation right up until the moment of your death.

What does a solid foundation do for you? It gives you a family and friends who care, and a life worth living. It guides you through difficult decisions and transitions. It shines a beacon that you and others can follow in darkness. It sounds a horn that guides you through the fog and confusion of daily living. It offers a compass when the way is uncertain. It builds your integrity in the eyes of others.

Why is a solid foundation so important to living in the sandwich? It keeps you focused on the important things, and keeps you on track when distractions and temptations try to derail you. There are so many distractions when you are helping parents and children with your own limited resources and finances that it’s easy to get disheartened and frustrated, to sink into uncertainty and doubt, and to lose your sense of purpose.

If you’re feeling a little lost right now, revisit those questions a couple of paragraphs back. Ask yourself what you’re doing today to strengthen your own foundation and to take care of yourself.  For me a little Jazz at the Zoo, a shared prayer with my wife at bedtime, a conversation with good friends, and writing in the midst of an exuberant lunch bunch at my favorite fast food hangout have made these last few hours a real foundation builder.

Mixing a little mortar and laying a few more stones in the foundation…

-Pops

20130723 – Camp Grenada

“Hello Muddah, hello Fadduh, here I am at Camp Grenada” – Allan Sherman

Unfortunately real life isn’t quite as funny as the song. Mom was having a rough time this week. She said it was like being at camp and she was homesick and she wanted to go home, but she knew she couldn’t. It’s just heartbreaking to hear that, and realize that the only thing you can do to help is to visit as often as you can, and get her out occasionally if she’s willing to go, and make sure she knows you care and always will.

I thought she was acclimating pretty well to her new apartment, but sometimes she doesn’t let on that she’s not very happy. She doesn’t want to be a burden to us, and she is always afraid that she is. We try to help her see that it’s not a burden; this is what families do when they can’t provide a home and adequate care without help. So we handle the mail and the finances and the condo cleanup and property management because that’s what we can do; it’s not a burden, it’s love.

Part of life in the sandwich is knowing your limits in terms of time, money, other resources, and skills. For things you can’t handle, you find help. And you fill the gaps with as much face and phone time as you can fit in. We have to be careful to fully appreciate the value of even a few minutes of face time on a regular basis. I think with the hectic schedule we live we overlooked that little but important detail.

Just like aging parents, sometimes your adult offspring have their own struggles; things aren’t going well and they feel lost and homesick, like they’re away at camp. Guess what, the same rules apply. Sometimes you can offer a roof over their heads and some gas in the car. Sometimes face and phone time is all you can offer.

Sorry Mom, we’re trying to do better. Hopefully you’ll be saying something like this, real soon:

“Wait a minute, it stopped hailing,

Guys are swimming, guys are sailing,

Playing baseball, gee that’s better,

Muddah, Fadduh, kindly disregard this letter!”

Remembering the importance of regular contact, one of those tasty little condiments of life in the sandwich…

-Pops

20130716 – Appreciation

I sacrificed my usual Tuesday routine this morning to do something way more important, to spend some time with a friend and colleague. He invited me to discuss a number of business activities in our organization from planning to budgeting to performance evaluation, and to ask my advice and help.

In the conversation we found time to share some of our personal experiences and business history and to discover some common beliefs that guide us in our business and personal lives. Also in the conversation my colleague made sure to share with me how much he appreciated my experience, knowledge, and contributions to our organization, and I did the same for him.

During the conversation he stopped to apologize for maybe getting a little too deep or personal, and I immediately assured him that I didn’t mind; that in fact, I’m the type of person who doesn’t mind sharing a little more than many who maintain a lot of surface relationships, but not many close ones. In the end we both walked away feeling uplifted and validated by our meeting, and motivated to soldier on with our respective assignments. That was a successful meeting and a rewarding interaction.

I’ve been thinking back on that conversation and realizing that, unfortunately, I don’t make enough of an effort to ensure successful and rewarding interactions happen within my own family. Perhaps the constant closeness of life in the sandwich dulls my perception of the need and lessens my investment in those family relationships. Perhaps I take things too much for granted. Perhaps I get a little too self absorbed and selfish. Perhaps I just don’t think enough before interacting with the rest of my family. For whatever reason, appreciation has been seriously lacking around here, at least from me to them.

So, be it resolved that I will pick up and run with the ball more often, and express my appreciation to my family more often for everything they do for me and for us.

Living appreciatively in the sandwich…

-Pops

20130709 – Health Care Messes

Seems as though our wonderful government has done nothing but muck up an already confusing health care system, and left “We the People” in the dark. Even the Medicare and health insurance professionals are at a loss to explain anything satisfactorily if our experiences of the last week are any indication. And of course, us sandwich dwellers are left to puzzle through the puzzle pretty much on our own. It’s no wonder my 88 year old mother-in-law is happy we’re trying to deal with it and begging us to not mess it up!

Mom has Medicare, Blue Cross through the school employees’ retirement system, let’s call it BC-SERS, and Blue Cross through the university’s retirement system, let’s call this one BC-URS. Medicare is primary, BC-URS is secondary, and BC-SERS is tertiary; she’s had this coverage arrangement for years with no apparent issues. Because she pays premiums for both of the non-Medicare plans we’re reviewing her coverage to see if we can reduce her health insurance costs.

First, no one seems able to provide us a plan summary that says what is covered and to what extent it is covered. We have to dig through her paperwork and see what we can find. Second, no one seems to be able to explain how the various coverages coordinate. And third, no one can explain what, if any, impact Obamacare will have on their program, although it’s become pretty obvious that all programs will get much more expensive, add tons of red tape, and result in less coverage.

In the midst of our investigation BC-SERS notified Mom they must set her up under a Medicare Advantage plan and they say she can only have one; if BC-URS sets her up BC-SERS Advantage Plan is automatically cancelled. So we called BC-URS several times over a period of days and finally got someone who can answer our questions, only to be told Mom can’t be double covered at all outside of Medicare, she can only have Medicare and one private plan. Of course their plan doesn’t cover dental and vision, so she can keep the other plan for those two, just not for general health care. So where did this apparently new rule come from? Who knows; probably another Obamacare mandate. And we still don’t know exactly what is and is not covered under the plans – kind of hard to make an informed decision; we might as well head over to the bar and throw darts.

And that’s just the bottom half of the bun in this sandwich. The top half of the bun has its own problems; the kids don’t have health care. Both are self-employed, and one has a part time job less than 28 hours per week so health care is not offered. They’re still digging out from some unplanned emergency care expenses and trying to figure out how to get affordable health insurance so they don’t have to pay the tax required of the uninsured. Businesses just got a one year reprieve from their health care sentence, but not the people. The tax on individuals hasn’t been postponed, at least not yet.

A short time ago former Speaker Pelosi said “we have to pass the bill so we can see what’s in it”, one of the most stupid comments on legislation I’ve ever heard. And of course now that they’ve passed the legislation and it’s being implemented, we still don’t know what’s in it! And nobody can explain it to us, but we’re sure going to get stuck paying for it.

So you sandwich-dwelling Grasshoppers, the point of this tirade: Before your doctor sticks his finger you-know-where, start now to learn everything you can about your health insurance, your parents’ coverage and your children’s coverage. It may take you the next six months to sort everything out and you definitely do not need costly surprises.

Meanwhile, my dear wife is cleaning up health care messes, one patient at a time…

-Pops

20130702 – Rats and Taking Breaks

I’m thinking about a lot of things today, but particularly the Prescott Granite Mountain Hotshots and the loss of so many good men. My sympathy and prayers to their families; what a terrible loss for a community.

We ran into cousin G and spouse J Friday night about 10:45 after some late night grocery shopping and he shared with us that she was showing some serious dementia symptoms along with painful bouts of arthritis. We had quite a conversation about the difficulties and the heartache of caring for a spouse with dementia and I hearkened back to my post last week about my Dad and my Mother-in-Law. It is a very tough road but when it’s your spouse you don’t think twice; that “in sickness and in health” commitment just kicks in and you do everything you can to stay connected and care for them. D and I suggested the reference over in the resource section of this blog; it’s full of good advice and techniques for family caregivers. Meanwhile, our hearts go with you G and J.

Last night was another Jazz at the Zoo concert, this time honoring local legend Arno Marsh on sax. He played with all the greats including Stan Kenton, played in Vegas, and played as good as the best. At 85 his music and performance were spot on and we couldn’t have asked for a better show. What a chance to really mellow out and we did! Arno’s son Randy is a great drummer in his own right and he played one of the meanest jazz harmonicas I’ve ever heard.  It was a real blowout of an experience and a great way to get out of the sandwich for a few hours and recharge.

Looking back a little further, Sunday turned out to be the perfect day for a bike ride in Millennium Park so we loaded up and headed out. It started a bit cloudy but soon cleared up and with temperatures in the mid-seventies and a slight breeze I don’t think we could have had a better first ride of the season. Too bad it didn’t come two months ago! We did our typical tour around the lakes, then out to the east end of the park for a quick protein bar and water break at the pavilion, and returning for a final lake loop before calling it a day. After that ride the kayaks out on the lake looked really inviting – we’re going to have to rent a couple one day and go for a cool down paddle after the ride. Anyway, now we’re really motivated to get on those bikes regularly and get some serious exercise, something we could have used a lot more of ever since the weather turned nice enough for outdoor activities. Surprisingly we got in eleven miles, not bad. Other than feeling a little tired I was none the worse for the ride and found myself planning to get out much more often the rest of the summer. Yet another good way to get out of the sandwich and recharge!

Two days break and all it cost was a $5 donation and a fast food dinner. Not too bad on the wallet! I think that’s one of the challenges of caregiving and sandwich living, finding inexpensive ways to break away and give yourself some rest. It’s much tougher to find that time as a twenty-four/seven caregiver like my Dad was, but my weekly visits on Thursdays gave him a little break; not much but it was something and Mom wasn’t the mental challenge that a dementia patient can be.

And it’s not just caregivers and sandwich dwellers that need a break, we all do. It’s too easy these days to jump into the rat race and just run along with all the other, often much faster, rats. Why not step over to the curb and sniff a few roses instead of just dashing after the cheese? When we were biking Sunday we scared up a huge heron not ten feet off the bike path in the marsh we were riding through. It was a majestic sight (and slightly surprising) that close. And on our Fathers’ Day cruise to watch bald eagles soaring over the river and listen to the rush of water beneath the paddle wheels was quite a treat for the senses. To think we could have missed out on those treats had we not taken a little break from the race. Eventually you realize the rat race is not much more than a treadmill – you never really get anywhere meaningful and you miss out on a lot of real life experiences.

No matter what your lifestyle, and regardless of the challenges you face, give yourself an occasional break; you may find yourself experiencing a new perspective on life in the process.

Running the rat race ... with a few other jazz-loving mellow rats …

-Pops